I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
