dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
