"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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