just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
