I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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