Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
