Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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