a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
