anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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