we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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