You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
