I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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