I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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