We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
