She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
