i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
