He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
