Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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