Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
No subtext here. People are naked.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
