Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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