I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
