my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
