He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
