He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
