found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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