Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
