so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
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I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just found a bag of teeth...
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nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
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