I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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