Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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