Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
