I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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