This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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