WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
