just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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