I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
honey bunches of taint.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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