So gin and wine won't be happening again
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
