My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
