she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
