Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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