Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
