dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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