Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
