I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Randomize
