Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
