I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
