You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
