i just wanna soil my oats bro
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
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There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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