You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
