i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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