She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
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Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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