before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
