last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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