its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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