I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
