Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
