when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
