Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
