Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
