You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
